How to be happier


Two words … stop commenting.

GROWTH STORY: I opened my car door and scratched it. Automatically I commented to myself, ‘Stupid!’. I drove off quickly and saw a young dog wagging its tail, I thought, ‘How cute’. I saw a guy wearing sun glasses driving a sleek red sports car. I thought ‘Show off’. Next the car in front drove through a red traffic light. Instantly I commented, ‘Bad driver’. And so my mental commentary goes on and on. Do YOU relate to this?

And when you’re commenting like this, how do you get to feel? Not that happy right? So if commenting makes us feel that way, why do we do it?

Our Intellects are brilliant label making machines. Our Intellects take a set of nerve impulses from your eyes and labels them ‘blue’, whilst another it calls ‘brown’. Categorising reality enables us to solve complex problems and has enormous practical value. Using our Intellects in this way is not what causes unhappiness.

GROWTH INSIGHT: Whenever we separate, we suffer. Unfortunately we use our Intellect to rationalise separating ourselves into parts and that’s painful! Let me explain.

When I scratched my car door, the truth was I’d made a mistake. But I didn’t want to feel the discomfort of being incapable, so I reacted by ignoring it and drove off quickly. That gave me some temporary relief because as I drove off quickly, I felt like a more capable driver. But it also created a more fundamental problem. Now I was split into two parts. The part of me who knew I felt incapable, and the other part that knew I had ignored it when I raced off.

So what about you? What do YOU do when you ignore something that you did, which you weren’t entirely comfortable with? Can you recall looking for explanations? Without knowing it, we instantly call upon our Intellects to attempt to re-unite us by applying a label that will explain what we did.

In my case, my Intellect provided the label, ‘Stupid!’ A stupid person makes mistakes. In this warped way, my Intellect had re-united the two parts of me … but at a huge cost. Now I had a self-critical view of myself that discounted my other strengths and achievements. So actually I was still split.

GROWTH SOLUTION: When you are willing to experience the discomforts of life, you stay as one with yourself and reality. In that state, there is no need to comment. You hear what another says without adding your own labels and assumptions. That empowers you to ask genuinely curious questions that allows you to connect with other people more honestly and naturally. Rather than finding fault, people get that your questions are treating them as being capable of knowing what they want and finding their own solutions. That makes you their ally in achieving what they want (not some superior person suggesting solutions), which in turn makes people much more likely to cooperate with you. And how do you feel when you’re connecting, contributing and gaining more cooperation. That’s right, you feel much happier.

To see how these insights and techniques apply to your own unique circumstances, come to our next Results & Relationships Meeting, 6-8pm Tues 12 Nov, Level 2, 99 York Street, Sydney. RSVP by clicking on this link – http://www.meetup.com/Results-Relationships-Meetings/events/147325602/

See you there. Warmly, David

 

 

 

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